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The 20 Best Two-Line Jokes Ever

mat June 30, 2015 Engrish, Fresh Comments Off on The 20 Best Two-Line Jokes Ever 1,861 Views

Parallel lines have so much in common.

It’s a shame they’ll never meet.

 

My wife accused me of being immature.

I told her to get out of my fort.

 

Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

 

How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One, they’re efficient and not very funny.

 

What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn’t matter; it’s not going to come.

 

Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they’re gonna pay.

You have my Word.

 

What’s green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?

A pool table.

 

Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.

Poor bastard.

 

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

You look for fresh prints.

 

I went to a really emotional wedding the other day.

Even the cake was in tiers.

 

We have a genetic predisposition for diarrhea.

Runs in our jeans.

 

A physicist sees a young man about to jump off of the Empire State Building.

He yells “Don’t do it! You have so much potential!”

 

Want to hear a word I just made up?

Plagiarism.

 

Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don’t work.

 

What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

Aye Matey.

 

I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster.

If anything, it made him more sluggish.

 

Someone stole my mood ring,

I don’t know how I feel about that.

 

I tried to catch fog yesterday,

Mist.

 

Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

If it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.

 

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised.

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Ad block detected

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Invalid URL

\n

Referral traffic for ${this.domain} does not meet requirements.

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An Error Occurred

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Parking is currently unavailable. We'll be right back.

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An Error Occurred

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Services for this domain name have been disabled.

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Object.assign({ad_loaded_callback:null==e?void 0:e.adLoadedCallback,app_version:version,caf_client_id:null===(i=null==t?void 0:t.pageOptions)||void 0===i?void 0:i.pubId,caf_timed_out:null==e?void 0:e.cafTimedOut,caf_loaded_ms:null==e?void 0:e.cafLoadedMs,channel:null===(s=null==t?void 0:t.pageOptions)||void 0===s?void 0:s.channel,desktop:t.desktop,terms:null===(a=null==t?void 0:t.pageOptions)||void 0===a?void 0:a.terms,fd_server_datetime:t.fd_server_datetime,fd_server:t.fd_server,flex_rule:t.flex_rule,host:t.host,ip:t.ip,ivt:null===(o=null==t?void 0:t.pageOptions)||void 0===o?void 0:o.ivt,js_error:t.js_error,mobile:t.mobile,no_ads_redirect:t.noAdsRedirect,page_headers:t.page_headers,page_loaded_callback:null==e?void 0:e.pageLoadedCallback,page_method:t.page_method,page_request:t.page_request,page_time:t.page_time,page_url:t.page_url,reportable_channel:t.reportableChannel,reportable_style_id:t.reportableStyleId,tablet:t.tablet,template_id:t.templateId,type:n,user_has_ad_blocker:t.user_has_ad_blocker,uuid:t.uuid,zeroclick:t.zeroClick},browserState())},trackVisit=({callbacks:e,context:t},n,i="")=>{const s=`${i}/${TRACKING_URL}`,a=i?"include":"same-origin",o=buildSignature({callbacks:e,context:t},n);let r={};"click"===n&&(r={click:"true",session:t.uuid,nc:Date.now().toString()}),fetch(s,{method:"POST",headers:{Accept:"application/json","Content-Type":"application/json"},credentials:a,body:JSON.stringify(Object.assign({signature:encode(o)},r))})};var State$1;!function(){if(!window.CustomEvent){function e(e,t){t=t||{bubbles:!1,cancelable:!1,detail:void 0};const n=document.createEvent("CustomEvent");return n.initCustomEvent(e,t.bubbles,t.cancelable,t.detail),n}e.prototype=window.Event.prototype,window.CustomEvent=e}}(),function(e){e[e.Pending=0]="Pending",e[e.Loaded=1]="Loaded",e[e.Failed=2]="Failed"}(State$1||(State$1={}));class Provider{constructor(e){this.timeoutSeconds=5,this.handlePixelEvent=e=>{switch(this.state){case State$1.Failed:break;case State$1.Pending:setTimeout((()=>this.handlePixelEvent(e)),100);break;case State$1.Loaded:this.onPixelEvent(e)}},this.watch=()=>{switch(this.state){case State$1.Loaded:case State$1.Failed:break;case State$1.Pending:this.isLoaded()?this.state=State$1.Loaded:this.isTimedOut()?this.state=State$1.Failed:setTimeout(this.watch,50)}},this.config=e,this.identifier&&this.identifier.length>0?(this.state=State$1.Pending,this.timeoutAt=new Date,this.timeoutAt.setSeconds(this.timeoutAt.getSeconds()+this.timeoutAfter()),this.injectPixel()):this.state=State$1.Failed}get identifier(){var e;return null===(e=this.config)||void 0===e?void 0:e.key}get pixelEvents(){var e;return null===(e=this.config)||void 0===e?void 0:e.pixel_events}injectPixel(){this.injectedAt||(this.injectedAt=new Date,this.inject(),this.watch())}inject(){const e=document.createElement("script");e.text=this.script,document.head.appendChild(e)}isTimedOut(){return+new Date>=+this.timeoutAt}timeoutAfter(){return this.timeoutSeconds}selectPixelEvents(e){if(Array.isArray(this.pixelEvents))return this.pixelEvents.filter((t=>"term-view"===t.trigger&&"visit"===e||(!(!["term-click","ad-view"].includes(t.trigger)||"ctr"!==e)||"ad-click"===t.trigger&&"click"===e)))}}class Facebook extends Provider{get script(){return`!function(f,b,e,v,n,t,s){if(f.fbq)return;n=f.fbq=function(){n.callMethod?n.callMethod.apply(n,arguments):n.queue.push(arguments)};if(!f._fbq)f._fbq=n;n.push=n;n.loaded=!0;n.version='2.0';n.queue=[];t=b.createElement(e);t.async=!0;t.src=v;s=b.getElementsByTagName(e)[0];s.parentNode.insertBefore(t,s)}(window, document,'script','https://connect.facebook.net/en_US/fbevents.js');fbq('init', '${this.identifier}');`}onPixelEvent(e){this.selectPixelEvents(e).forEach((e=>{e&&(e.custom?window.fbq("trackCustom",e.event):window.fbq("track",e.event))}))}isLoaded(){return!!window.fbq}}class Outbrain extends Provider{get script(){return`!function(_window, _document) {var OB_ADV_ID = '${this.identifier}';if (_window.obApi) {var toArray = function(object) {return Object.prototype.toString.call(object) === '[object Array]' ? object : [object];};_window.obApi.marketerId = toArray(_window.obApi.marketerId).concat(toArray(OB_ADV_ID));return;}var api = _window.obApi = function() {api.dispatch ? api.dispatch.apply(api, arguments) : api.queue.push(arguments);};api.version = '1.1';api.loaded = true;api.marketerId = OB_ADV_ID;api.queue = [];var tag = _document.createElement('script');tag.async = true;tag.src = '//amplify.outbrain.com/cp/obtp.js';tag.type = 'text/javascript';var script = _document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0];script.parentNode.insertBefore(tag, script);}(window, document);`}onPixelEvent(e){this.selectPixelEvents(e).forEach((e=>{e&&window.obApi("track",e.event)}))}isLoaded(){return!!window.obApi}}class Revcontent extends Provider{get script(){return""}inject(){const e=document.createElement("script");e.src="https://assets.revcontent.com/master/rev.js",document.head.appendChild(e)}onPixelEvent(e){this.selectPixelEvents(e).forEach((e=>{e&&window.rev("event",e.event)}))}isLoaded(){return!!window.rev}}class Taboola extends Provider{get script(){return"window._tfa = window._tfa || [];!function (t, f, a, x) {if (!document.getElementById(x)) {t.async = 1;t.src = a;t.id=x;f.parentNode.insertBefore(t, f);}}(document.createElement('script'),document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0],'//cdn.taboola.com/libtrc/unip/1451879/tfa.js','tb_tfa_script');"}onPixelEvent(e){this.selectPixelEvents(e).forEach((e=>{e&&window._tfa.push({notify:"event",name:e.event,id:e.pixel_id})}))}isLoaded(){return Array.isArray(window._tfa)}}class Tiktok extends Provider{constructor(e,t){super(e),this.useAltTikTokEventsForAdsPlatformUser=t}get script(){return`!function (w, d, t) {w.TiktokAnalyticsObject=t;var ttq=w[t]=w[t]||[];ttq.methods=["page","track","identify","instances","debug","on","off","once","ready","alias","group","enableCookie","disableCookie"],ttq.setAndDefer=function(t,e){t[e]=function(){t.push([e].concat(Array.prototype.slice.call(arguments,0)))}};for(var i=0;i{e&&window.ttq.instance(this.identifier).track(e.event)}))}isLoaded(){return!!window.ttq}}const ADS_PARAM$1="?caf",MESSAGE_PREFIX="FSXDC,.aCS:",ALLOWED_ORIGINS=["https://www.google.com","https://www.adsensecustomsearchads.com","https://syndicatedsearch.goog","https://googleadservices.com"];class Pixels{static build(e){const t=unpackPHPArrayObject(e,"pixel_tracking_data");if(t)return t.useAltTikTokEventsForAdsPlatformUser=e.is_ads,new Pixels(t)}constructor(e){this.onPixelEvent=e=>{const{detail:{type:t}}=e;switch(t){case"visit":case"ctr":case"click":this.providers.forEach((e=>e.handlePixelEvent(t)))}},this.providers=[new Facebook(e.facebook),new Tiktok(e.tiktok,e.useAltTikTokEventsForAdsPlatformUser),new Taboola(e.taboola),new Revcontent(e.revcontent),new Outbrain(e.outbrain)]}listenForEvents(){document.addEventListener("pixel",(e=>{this.onPixelEvent(e)}));window.onmessage=e=>{const{origin:t,data:n}=e;ALLOWED_ORIGINS.includes(t)&&(null==n?void 0:n.startsWith(MESSAGE_PREFIX))&&window.location.search.startsWith(ADS_PARAM$1)&&document.dispatchEvent(new CustomEvent("pixel",{detail:{type:"click"}}))}}dispatchEvent(e){document.dispatchEvent(new CustomEvent("pixel",{detail:e}))}}var State;!function(e){e[e.Pending=0]="Pending",e[e.Loaded=1]="Loaded",e[e.Failure=2]="Failure",e[e.TimedOut=3]="TimedOut",e[e.Errored=4]="Errored"}(State||(State={}));const CAF_SCRIPT_SRC=`https://www.google.com/adsense/domains/caf.js?${GOOGLE_MV3_URL_PARAMS}`,TIMEOUT_SCRIPTS=Number(GOOGLE_CAF_TIMEOUT_SCRIPTS),TIMEOUT_CALLBACKS=Number(GOOGLE_CAF_TIMEOUT_CALLBACKS);class StateMachine{constructor(){this.state=State.Pending}transitionTo(e){this.state=e}transitionFromPendingTo(e){this.done||(this.state=e)}get loaded(){return this.state===State.Loaded}get timedOut(){return this.state===State.TimedOut}get done(){return this.state!==State.Pending}}class Ads{constructor(e,t){this.state={script:new StateMachine,blocks:new StateMachine},this.blocksLoaded=[],this.injectScriptTags=()=>__awaiter(this,void 0,void 0,(function*(){return new Promise((e=>{const t=document.createElement("script");t.type="text/javascript",t.src=CAF_SCRIPT_SRC,t.addEventListener("load",(()=>e(!0))),t.addEventListener("error",(()=>e(!1))),document.body.appendChild(t),TIMEOUT_SCRIPTS>0&&setTimeout((()=>e(!1)),TIMEOUT_SCRIPTS)}))})),this.onPageLoaded=(e,t)=>{if(this.pageLoaded={requestAccepted:e,status:t},this.state.script.done)return;const n=null==t?void 0:t.error_code;n?(this.state.script.transitionTo(State.Failure),this.failureReason=`caf_pageloaderror_${n}`):this.state.script.transitionTo(State.Loaded)},this.onBlockLoaded=(e,t,n,i)=>{this.blocksLoaded.push({containerName:e,adsLoaded:t,isExperimentVariant:n,callbackOptions:i}),this.state.blocks.done||(t?this.state.blocks.transitionTo(State.Loaded):this.blocksLoaded.length>=this.blocks.length&&(this.state.blocks.transitionTo(State.Failure),this.failureReason=`caf_adloadfail_${e}`))},this.onTimeout=()=>{this.state.script.transitionFromPendingTo(State.TimedOut),this.state.blocks.transitionFromPendingTo(State.TimedOut)},this.blocks=e,this.options=t}get loaded(){return this.state.script.loaded&&!this.blocksLoaded.map((e=>e.adsLoaded)).includes(!1)}waitForBlocks(){return __awaiter(this,void 0,void 0,(function*(){return new Promise((e=>{const t=()=>{const n=performance.now();if(this.state.blocks.done)return this.cafLoadTime=Math.round(n-this.cafStartTime),void e();const i=this.blocksLoaded.map((e=>e.adsLoaded));i.includes(!1)||i.length>=this.blocks.length?e():setTimeout(t,50)};t()}))}))}inject(){return __awaiter(this,void 0,void 0,(function*(){try{const e=yield this.injectScriptTags();return this.cafStartTime=performance.now(),e&&void 0!==window.google?(new window.google.ads.domains.Caf(Object.assign(Object.assign({},this.options),{pageLoadedCallback:this.onPageLoaded,adLoadedCallback:this.onBlockLoaded}),...this.blocks),TIMEOUT_CALLBACKS>0&&setTimeout(this.onTimeout,TIMEOUT_CALLBACKS),yield new Promise((e=>{const t=()=>{this.state.script.done?e():setTimeout(t,10)};t()}))):void this.state.script.transitionTo(State.Failure)}catch(e){return void(this.error=e.toString())}}))}toCallbacks(){return{adLoadedCallback:this.blocksLoaded.slice(-1)[0],pageLoadedCallback:this.pageLoaded,cafTimedOut:this.state.script.timedOut||this.state.blocks.timedOut,cafLoadedMs:this.cafLoadTime,googleAdsFailure:!!this.failureReason}}toContext(){const e={cafScriptWasLoaded:this.state.script.loaded,cafScriptLoadTime:this.cafLoadTime,callbacks:this.toCallbacks};return this.error&&(e.js_error={message:this.error}),this.state.script.loaded||(e.zeroclick={reason:"googleAdsFailure"}),e}mockFailedState(){this.state.blocks.transitionTo(State.Failure),this.state.script.transitionTo(State.Failure)}}class TagManager{constructor(e){this.injected=!1,this.identifier=e}inject(){if(this.injected)return;if(!this.identifier)return;if("TEST"===this.identifier)return;const e=document.createElement("script");e.setAttribute("src",`https://www.googletagmanager.com/gtag/js?id=${this.identifier}`),document.head.appendChild(e),this.track(),this.injected=!0}track(){this.push("js",new Date),this.push("config",this.identifier)}push(e,t){window.dataLayer||(window.dataLayer=[]),window.dataLayer.push(arguments)}}const ADS_PARAM="caf",ADS_TRACKING_URL="_tr",BLOCKS_TYPE="ads",BLOCKS_CONTAINER="rs",KNOWN_CAF_PARAMS=["caf","query","afdToken","pcsa","nb","nm","nx","ny","is","clkt"];class Google{static build({pageOptions:e,preferredLanguage:t,blocks:n,googleAnalytics:i},s,a,o){let r={};e&&(r=Object.assign({},e),r.hl||(r.hl=t));let d=null==e?void 0:e.resultsPageBaseUrl;d||(d=window.location.origin);return new Google(s.uuid,n,r,i,d,o)}constructor(e,t,n,i,s,a){this._blocks=t,this._pageOptions=n,this.uuid=e,this._baseURL=new URL(s),this._signature=a,this.ads=new Ads(this.blocks,this.pageOptions),this.tagManager=new TagManager(i)}injectTagManager(){this.tagManager.inject()}injectAds(){return __awaiter(this,void 0,void 0,(function*(){yield this.ads.inject()}))}waitForBlocks(){return __awaiter(this,void 0,void 0,(function*(){return this.ads.waitForBlocks()}))}get blocks(){return(this._blocks||[]).filter((e=>this.wantsToServeAds?e.type===BLOCKS_TYPE:e.container===BLOCKS_CONTAINER)).map((e=>{const t=this.baseURL;new URLSearchParams(window.location.search).forEach(((e,n)=>{t.searchParams.has(n)||t.searchParams.append(n,e)}));const n=Object.assign({},e);if(n.resultsPageBaseUrl=t.toString(),this.wantsToServeAds){const e=new URLSearchParams;e.append("click","true"),e.append("session",this.uuid);const t=Object.assign({},this._signature);delete t.ad_loaded_callback,delete t.caf_loaded_ms,delete t.caf_timed_out,delete t.flex_rule,delete t.frame,delete t.js_error,delete t.no_ads_redirect,delete t.page_headers,delete t.page_request,delete t.page_loaded_callback,delete t.popup,delete t.screen_resolution,delete t.user_has_ad_blocker,delete t.user_preference,delete t.user_supports_darkmode,delete t.user_using_darkmode,delete t.zeroclick,e.append("signature",encode(t)),n.clicktrackUrl=`${TRACKING_DOMAIN}${ADS_TRACKING_URL}?${e.toString()}`}return n}))}get baseURL(){const e=new URL(this._baseURL.origin);return e.searchParams.append(ADS_PARAM,"1"),this._baseURL.searchParams.forEach(((t,n)=>{e.searchParams.append(n,t)})),e}get pageOptions(){const e=Object.assign({},this._pageOptions);return Object.keys(this._pageOptions).forEach((t=>{t.startsWith("bodis")&&delete e[t]})),e}get cannotLoadAds(){return!this.ads.loaded}get wantsToServeAds(){return new URLSearchParams(window.location.search).has(ADS_PARAM)}get adsMode(){return this.ads.loaded&&this.wantsToServeAds}get adsReady(){return this.wantsToServeAds&&!this.cannotLoadAds}get noAdsRedirectUrl(){const e=new URLSearchParams(window.location.search);return KNOWN_CAF_PARAMS.forEach((t=>e.delete(t))),`${window.location.origin}?${e.toString()}`}get callbacks(){return this.ads.toCallbacks()}toContext(){return Object.assign({blocks:this.blocks,pageOptions:this.pageOptions},this.ads.toContext())}}class CookieConsentManager{constructor(){this.injectScriptTag=()=>__awaiter(this,void 0,void 0,(function*(){return new Promise((e=>{const t=document.createElement("script");t.setAttribute("src",COOKIE_CONSENT_JS_URL),t.addEventListener("load",(()=>this.awaitConsent(e))),t.addEventListener("error",(()=>e(!1))),document.head.appendChild(t)}))}))}inject(){return __awaiter(this,void 0,void 0,(function*(){this.injected||!COOKIE_CONSENT_JS_URL||isLocal()||(this.injected=yield this.injectScriptTag())}))}awaitConsent(e){let t=0;const n=setInterval((()=>{t+=1,20===t&&(clearInterval(n),e(!0)),void 0!==window.__tcfapi&&(window.addEventListener("ConsentActivity",(t=>{const{detail:{status:n}}=t;n&&e(!0)})),clearInterval(n))}),50)}}class App{main(){var e,t;return __awaiter(this,void 0,void 0,(function*(){if(this.parkResponse=decode(),this.findDomainResponse=yield getFindDomain(),!this.findDomainResponse)throw new Error("Domain failed to load.");this.pixels=Pixels.build(this.findDomainResponse),null===(e=this.pixels)||void 0===e||e.listenForEvents(),this.adblock=new Adblock,yield this.adblock.inject(),this.google=Google.build(this.findDomainResponse,this.parkResponse,this.adblock,buildSignature({context:this.context,callbacks:null===(t=this.google)||void 0===t?void 0:t.callbacks},"click")),this.google.injectTagManager();const n=Parking.build(this.findDomainResponse,this.google);Render.prerender(n),this.cookieConsentManager=new CookieConsentManager,yield this.cookieConsentManager.inject();let i=Failed.cannotPark(this.findDomainResponse);if(i)return void(yield this.transitionToFailed(i));yield this.google.injectAds();let s=Disabled.build(this.findDomainResponse,this.adblock.state);if(s)return void(yield this.transitionToDisabled(s));const a=this.adblock.hasAdblocker();a&&this.adblock.handleAdblocked();const o=Sales.build(this.findDomainResponse);if(o)return void(yield this.transitionToSales(o));this.eligibleForZeroClick&&(this.zeroClickResponse=yield getZeroClick(this.context));const r=Redirect.build(this.findDomainResponse,this.zeroClickResponse,this.google);if(r)yield this.transitionToRedirect(r);else{if(a)return s=Disabled.build(this.findDomainResponse,this.adblock.state),void(yield this.transitionToDisabled(s));i=Failed.noSponsors(this.google),i?yield this.transitionToFailed(i):yield this.transitionToParking(n)}}))}transitionToParking(e){return __awaiter(this,void 0,void 0,(function*(){this.state=e,Render.template(e),Render.revealPage(),yield this.google.waitForBlocks(),yield this.track()}))}transitionToRedirect(e){return __awaiter(this,void 0,void 0,(function*(){this.state=e;const t=this.track();Render.revealPage(),yield waiter(e.delay,(e=>Render.loading(e))),yield t,window.location.href=e.url,log(`➡ Redirecting [${e.url}]`)}))}transitionToFailed(e){return __awaiter(this,void 0,void 0,(function*(){this.state=e,Render.message(e.message),Render.revealPage(),yield this.track()}))}transitionToSales(e){return __awaiter(this,void 0,void 0,(function*(){this.state=e,e.init(this.context),yield this.track()}))}transitionToDisabled(e){return __awaiter(this,void 0,void 0,(function*(){this.state=e,Render.message(e.message),Render.revealPage(),yield this.track()}))}track(){var e;return __awaiter(this,void 0,void 0,(function*(){if(!this.state.track)return Promise.resolve();try{const t=this.state.trackingType;return null===(e=this.pixels)||void 0===e||e.dispatchEvent({type:t}),trackVisit({context:this.context,callbacks:this.google.callbacks},t)}catch(e){return}}))}get eligibleForZeroClick(){const{cannotPark:e,canZeroClick:t,zeroClick:n}=this.findDomainResponse,{cannotLoadAds:i,wantsToServeAds:s}=this.google;return this.adblock.state!==Blocking.BLOCKED&&(!!t&&(!!e||(!(!i||s)||!!(null==n?void 0:n.reason))))}get context(){var e,t,n,i;const s=this.findDomainResponse,a=this.parkResponse,o=null===(e=this.state)||void 0===e?void 0:e.toContext(),r=null===(t=this.adblock)||void 0===t?void 0:t.toContext(),d=null===(n=this.google)||void 0===n?void 0:n.toContext(),c=browserState(),l=Object.assign(Object.assign({},null===(i=this.findDomainResponse)||void 0===i?void 0:i.zeroClick),this.zeroClickResponse);return Object.assign(Object.assign(Object.assign(Object.assign(Object.assign(Object.assign(Object.assign({app_version:APP_VERSION},s),a),r),d),o),c),{zeroClick:l})}init(){return __awaiter(this,void 0,void 0,(function*(){try{window.__parkour=this,yield this.main()}catch(e){console.error("app",e);const t=Failed.fromError(e);this.state=t,Render.message(t.message),Render.revealPage()}}))}}(new App).init(),exports.App=App})); Copy Protected by Chetan's WP-Copyprotect.